Boof: [cracks open a tinny] Good morning, gentlemen. Thanks for meeting me for breakfast this morning. I know you’ll have today’s game on your minds but before we get to the ground I think it’s important we thrash out a few of the issues that have come up these past couple of days.
Pup: No worries, coach. You know I respect you as a man, as a leader and as a humanitarian. I’m at your beck and call.
Watto: [looks up from his organic bircher muesli] There’s a game today?
Boof: Yup, a rather big one, Shane. Don’t worry, you’re opening the batting.
Watto: I should bloody well hope so. Don’t think I dobbed in Davey boy for no good reason. I only had the team in mind, you know; my capacity to reach 40 before loosely nicking off far exceeds his ability to race to 30 before doing likewise.
Boof: I know, I know. We’re all very grateful. Aren’t we, Michael?
Pup: Oh yes, coach! Anything you say, coach!
Boof: Call me Boof.
Pup: Of course! Sorry about that!
Watto: What exactly is a ‘Boof’ anyway?
Boof: Back to what I was saying, the media have been having a bit of a merry old time with you two over the last 48 hours. We need to get this sorted right away…
Pup: Permission to speak, boss.
Boof: [sighs and slumps into his seat] Granted.
Pup: Look, I was just thinking that, what with everything’s that happened, maybe it would be for the best if, well… what I mean is that… you know… Watto – great guy and all – heck, he is a bit of cancer on the team, isn’t he?
Watto: This is what I’m talking about! He’s always had it in for me! Everyone else thinks I’m great, why does he not like me?! I just want to be liked! [sobs into goji berry and roasted partridge semen smoothie]
Boof: The way I see it, you two are the best chance we’ve got of beating the Poms and for us all to return to the colony as heroes. There are 22 million Australian men, women and children imploring you to put aside your differences and focus on what matters – wiping that smug look off Broady’s irritating face.
Pup: Now you’re talking, boss! That Stuart Broad is the real enemy. Why, when he refused to walk in the first Test I was so angry that I stomped so hard I almost crooked my back up. Of course, when I referred my caught behind decision you must understand I really didn’t think I edged it.
Boof: I don’t care about that, Michael. In fact, if you ever walk without being given out I’ll not only strip you of the captaincy, I’ll also make sure you never wear the hallowed baggy green again and are forever forced to carry Warnie’s bag around depressingly cavernous casinos. Is that clear?
Pup: Yes, got it. Am I allowed to apologise for not walking on my Twitter account though? That got me over 5,000 retweets during the Adelaide Test in 2010.
Boof: Absolutely not!
Watto: You know I’d never tweet, Boof. I prefer to say what I have to say behind someone’s back! [cackles]
Boof: Look, we’ve got to leave for the ground soon. I need both of you to look me in the eyes and tell me these issues are all behind you.
Pup: Everything’s fine, boss.
Watto: I’ve forgotten what we were fighting about.
Watto: I mean it, what was the problem again?
Boof: Shake hands, both of you.
[Pup extends his hand, Watto puts down his hairbrush and shakes it]
Boof: See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Watto: No, surprisingly soft and tender actually. Like shaking a limp orchid.
Boof: Great. That’s a load off. I really feel we’re shaping up quite nicely to give those Poms a good buggering now. There’s just one more thing I need to resolve before we set off.
Pup: Can I help with that, boss? Please let me help.
Boof: Actually, yes you can, Michael. Go over to Eddie’s table and tell him he’s cut.
Pup: I’d do anything for love, boss. But I won’t do that. I mean, look at his sad little eyes. It’s cruel.
Watto: [grins and rises from table] Leave it with me. It’ll be a pleasure.